The Dream....Until It Wasn’t

“I wish I could just be a stay-at-home mom FOREVER.”

I’ve said it. I’ve thought it. I’ve pictured it. The slower mornings, the clean house, the endless time and the calm.

That would be the dream… and it was.

Until…. it wasn’t.

All my kids were in school full-time, and I had the opportunity to continue to stay home. The moment I had been waiting for! The house was clean, the laundry was caught up, meals were planned, and corners were scrubbed that hadn’t seen attention in years.

And yet… I was bored to death.

I remember sitting with my counsellor ( yes, therapy was a lifesaver), going back and forth about going back to work. At the time, I was in the middle of a health crisis, and she kept gently telling me that working right now was NOT a good idea.

And I knew she was right.

But something in me just wouldn’t settle.

I remember the exact moment it all hit me. I was standing in my kitchen, making banana bread, of all things, such a normal, simple moment and out of nowhere, the tears started.

At first, it was just a few. Then it turned into full-on, ugly crying. The kind where you can’t catch your breath.

I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor, sobbing, thinking…What in the world is wrong with me?

The guilt hit hard.

I love my kids more than anything. I love the life we built. There is nothing else I would rather be than their mom.

But there was this other part of me. The part that wanted more. Not more kids, not more stuff… just more for me. Purpose. Challenge. Something that was mine too.

So I chose to go back to work. Not because I had to, because I needed to.

And the irony? Some nights I still lie in bed thinking, what have I done. Tomorrow I’m quitting everything and binge-watching movies all day. I wish I could just be a stay-at-home mom again. 

And then I laugh.

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Because isn’t that just us?

Always thinking the grass is greener. Always wondering if we picked the right path. Always chasing something a little different, hoping that’s where we’ll finally feel settled.

We’re all just trying to find our place. Looking around at everyone else, thinking they’ve got it figured out… when really, they’re doing the exact same thing we are.

Figuring it out as they go.

I don’t think we ever get it perfectly right. There is no perfect version of this life. No perfect balance. Just seasons that feel good, and seasons that feel hard, and choices we make along the way.

So to the mom sitting at home wishing she was doing more… I see you. And to the mom running out the door, wishing she could slow down and be home more… I see you too.

There is no right or wrong here, and you are never stuck.

You’re allowed to want different things in different seasons, AND none of it makes you a bad mom.

It just makes you human.